I’m ready to cry. Again. For the second time today I have thrown an internal tantrum. It’s the ongoing meltdown my oppressive fears inspire. Oh I’m so good at this shit.
I’m so sick of aspirations, trying to ‘find’ my purpose, it’s not ‘out there’, believe me I’ve scoured. I’ve also driven myself crazy stumbling across all the wonderful ways others have found to express their ‘gifts’,what they have to ‘share’ with the world.
Well here’s what I have to share. Fuck self help, self improvement, self acceptance, self everything. What is so terribly wrong with this self of mine that has compelled me to dedicate almost 20 years of my existence trying to accept it. Who am I to reject me in the first place? Why in God’s name do I make myself work so hard to impress the me that can’t, and will never be impressed, by me.
Here’s what I’ve learned. The self ‘help’ industry is a vampire culture. It preys on the human experience of feeling completely lost and the fear it creates. Today I finally accepted that this experience is not exclusive to me, I knew that, but I just didn’t want to belong to that demographic.
I’m starting to think now that what would make my ‘self’ most happy, is if I would just take the microscope out from up it’s ass for a minute.
Which brings me to the photo.The minute I saw this I said, yep, that’s me. Indignant. With the stick up my ass. Indignant because in spite of my efforts to convince the world I posses confidence, knowledge and grace, I don’t. I can’t, because to convince myself is an impossible task. Dammit. Here we go again.
That’s also me there, with the pink head and cone body, delivering the crushing truth. That version of ‘I’ doesn’t buy into this ‘front’ business at all, it knows the truth and it’s calling me out.
Who are these ‘more people’ who would like ‘me’ if ‘I’ relaxed a little? Why they would be my other parts. The other parts that have been frozen out, exiled by the controlling ‘nobody even elected you’ spokesperson overshadowing us all. We resent that. It just reinforces the message of unacceptability.
Back to square one. Now what?